


Whatever It Takes

by thepineapplesamongus



Category: Saturday Night Live, Saturday Night Live RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood and Injury, Boys In Love, Cutting, Depression, I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, Pre-Slash, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-14
Updated: 2015-10-18
Packaged: 2018-04-04 09:45:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4132875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thepineapplesamongus/pseuds/thepineapplesamongus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pete's been more depressed since joining SNL, and has an unhealthy way of coping. Colin discovers this and can't ignore it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Trying to Fit In

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to nevercomestheday for beta reading!

Pete's hand shook as he dragged the cold metal across his wrist. He bit his lip as he recoiled from the pain, but he finally felt calm. He gazed at his forearm as little dots of blood sprouted on his wrist. The sight soothed his shaky nerves.

The raven-haired boy sighed as he cut again. He'd never felt more awake. Simply watching the blood spill out of his body and onto the floor brought a relieving sensation, along with dizziness.

For some reason, Pete liked it. It was an escape method for when he got anxious or depressed, which seemed to happen more and more as the days ran on. Smoking didn't help, it just numbed him. Cutting actually gave him a wake up call.

_Hey Pete, wake the fuck up. You're not dead, even though you may look it._

Cautiously, he set the razor down next to him and laid down on the tiny sofa in his dressing room. Pete closed his eyes and took heed to his breathing, letting the blood flow out of him.

He never had a specific reason for doing it. Sure, the stress of the media and his dad's death played into it, but they weren't exactly key factors. When he thought about it, what really sealed the deal was SNL.

Pete always had this fear that he wasn't good enough for Saturday Night Live. He was only 21,  _a kid_ , and here were all these superb comedians who made him look like an amateur. He felt like he was a nerd trying to fit in with the jocks. He simply didn't belong there.

The pressure of the media didn't help either. Every article was focused on him, since he was a young, new player on the show.

Tears stung his eyes as the idea shoved its way into his head. Using his non-wounded arm, Pete rubbed at his eyes. The tears went away, but the venomous thoughts still lingered.

_I'll never be good enough_ , Pete thought as he stood up, swaying a bit. Somewhere, he kept a first aid kit hidden for situations like this.

The scent of copper was heavy as he rummaged through all his shit, looking for what he needed. Pete's eyes lit up as he saw the red bag poking out from under his cap. He ripped away the hat and tore it out, retrieving some bandages and hydrogen peroxide. 

 

He'd gone to the ends of the earth to keep his dangerous habit a secret.

Once more, Pete began to stumble. He grabbed the thing nearest to him, which was the arm of the sofa. His vision was a bit blurred. Had he really cut that badly?

_Just calm down, Pete. You'll be fine_ , he reassured himself in an effort to relax. Slowly, he sat down and started to wrap his wrist. He had to be wary not to wrap it too much, or it would be visible under his sleeves.

Finally finished, he nearly jumped out of his skin when a knock at the door disrupted his alone time.

"Pete, it's Colin. You in there?"

Pete pulled his sleeves down and shakily stood, careful to keep his balance. He made sure to cover up any evidence of what happened and flung his hat over the razor before finally opening the door.

His stomach quivered as he saw his coworker's ever-so-friendly grin. "Hey Colin."

Colin gestured to the small red couch, then looked back at Pete. "Can I come in? I have a piece for Weekend Update you might be interested in."

Pete glanced up and sighed inwardly. He wanted to keep Colin out of the room, for the purpose of preventing him from discovering blood or a razor. But he knew he could never say no to Colin.

 

"Yeah, c'mon. I've got time."

 

* * *

 

After an hour of discussion, the piece was finished. Pete and Colin had gotten somewhat bored, so they decided to chat for a while.

 

"Lohan."

"Duff."

"No way," Pete said, laughing. "Lindsay Lohan would definitely win a fight against Hilary Duff."

"Have you seen Lindsay Lohan?" Colin argued, raising an eyebrow. "She can hardly pack a punch! Hilary Duff would destroy her."

"Lindsay seems like the type of person who would knock somebody out," Pete rebutted, running a hand through his hair. "Hilary Duff seems like she would get cold feet and forfeit."

 

 

"Lindsay Lohan can barely show up to her job," Colin stated, smirking. "What makes you believe she can fight?"

"Hilary Duff seems  _too nice_ to fight anyone."

Colin nodded and smiled again. "OK, you got me there. Doesn't stop me from thinking she would win, though."

Pete smiled at Colin, and subconsciously rolled his sleeves up. He'd blanked out about his cuts, but didn't realize until it was too late.

He hadn't taken notice, but Colin was looking at the exposed region of his wrist, concern bubbling up inside him.

_That looks bad_ , thought Colin, eyes wide.  _Maybe he just fell. Yeah, yeah that's it. He can't really be doing that..._

Not even aware of what his co-worker had seen, Pete pulled his sleeves back down. He kept his wrists close to him.

Colin had to see the marks again. Just to be sure.

"Uh, P-Pete?"

The younger boy looked over to him, fully focused on Colin.

"Um... Can you hand me my water bottle?" he asked nervously, looking at the bottle on Pete's side of the tiny table.

Pete nodded and mumbled, “sure,” as he handed him his water. Colin made sure to get a look at Pete's wrist and sure enough, he saw it.

Just below Pete's elbow were very tiny cuts that he just barely saw, and he was pretty sure the bandage wasn't from an accident of some sort. His heart nearly stopped beating as he understood.

Pete was cutting himself.

"Thanks..." he said, looking away.

Colin suddenly felt guilty.

_Maybe I wasn't there for him_ , he thought.  _I'm probably the reason he started doing it, fuck._

"Colin?" Pete snapped him out of his thoughts, and Colin turned back to face him.

_What the hell could I say to that?_ Colin had no idea what his next move should be.

"I..." he faltered. Colin quickly stood up, and pointed to the doorway. "I have to go."

He ran off faster than he ever had in his life.


	2. So Much For That

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Colin debates how to approach the issue.

Colin's chest heaved as he ran, pain coursing through his veins. As he reached his car, he bent over to catch his breath, coming mostly in heavy gasps. Finally having regained composure, he leaned his head on his small car and closed his eyes.

 

_What the fuck was that?_

 

Colin hated himself for leaving like that. He all but fled Pete's dressing room, all over his fear of upsetting the 21 year-old.

 

 _Ease him into it. So much for that plan_ , Colin thought. He ran a hand through his brown hair, sighing in frustration.

 

At this point, he didn't know how to go about the situation. Should he just go up to him and confront him directly? If he did that, Pete might get angry and shut down.

 

He could always text him. Colin preferred handling it in person, however, and who knew how honest Pete would be through messages.

 

Colin's mind wandered back to Pete. He had so many questions.

 

_How long has he been cutting?_

 

_Are his wrists the only place he uses?_

 

_Does anyone else know?_

 

_Why is he doing it?_

 

As Colin got into his car, he couldn't find an answer. Pete's father's death was most likely not the reason. He always makes jokes about him. Besides, had that been it, he probably would've started cutting years before, and he certainlydidn't have those scars when he joined the cast. He obviously started it after he got on SNL.

 

This worried Colin even more. It made him wonder if the show had been stressing Pete out so much that he turned to cutting. But then again, he doubted that mere stress would make him develop such a habit.

 

Shaking his head, Colin started the engine and headed towards his apartment. He needed time to think about this _._

 

* * *

 

As soon as Colin walked inside the apartment, he collapsed onto the couch and put both hands in his hair, tugging in frustration.

 

"Fuck," he muttered aloud. "Fuck, fuck, fuck...!"

 

Needless to say, he was still worrying about Pete. It bugged him the entire ride home, and he still couldn't figure out what to do.

 

After Darrell Hammond told him he still struggled with self-harm, Colin didn't think he'd face this problem with anyone else. It pained him to think how wrong he was.

 

It was different with Pete, though. With Pete, he felt heartbroken. Colin wanted to deny that the cuts were self-inflicted, but he would be lying to himself.

 

He had grown very protective of Pete over the course of the year, and he could never block the butterflies that fluttered in his stomach when he saw him. A soft blush dusted Colin's cheeks, and he shook his head.

 

The soft chime of his phone broke his thoughts, and Colin pulled out his cell phone. He unlocked the screen to see a text from Pete.

 

_Hey, you all right? You didn't look too hot when you ran out earlier._

 

Colin smiled at Pete's concern. If only he could not be a chicken and do the same for Pete. He quickly typed out a response.

 

_Yeah, I'm fine. I was feeling sick, and I didn't want you to catch anything. Everything's good here._

 

It was only a minute before Pete sent his response, and Colin quickly opened the message.

 

_That sucks, man. I hope you feel better._

 

Colin sighed as he set his phone down. He was too tired to handle this. He woke up his phone on once more, and it read 10:45 P.M.

 

Colin leaned his head back on the couch pillow, closing his eyes and yawning deeply.

 

 _I'll just talk to Pete tomorrow_ , he thought, w _hen I'm not half asleep._


	3. Mess Rehearsal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Colin just can't stop worrying.

The next day, dress rehearsal seemed to drag on.

 

Colin could hardly stop fidgeting, while Pete was unusually quiet. The rest of the cast tried all day to figure out what was wrong with them, but neither would budge.

 

Colin would just shake his head furiously, smiling and chanting, “Everything's fine.”

 

Pete, on the other hand, would shrug and look at his feet when anyone came near him. The whole set reeked of trouble and tension.

 

Colin didn't get a wink of sleep the night before. He had dark circles below his normally bright eyes and yawned after nearly every sentence. The worry dimmed his smile and turned his face grey.

 

Beck brought him a donut, but the thought of eating in the face of something so grim turned his stomach. Colin may have been dizzy, empty, and tired, but every last drop of energy left in his body was going to worrying about Pete.

 

Pete had spent most of the night in his room, alone with anxious thoughts that swirled in his head like ice in an empty glass. His arm could vouch for that, fresh cuts stinging beneath his hoodie sleeves.

 

Quietly, Pete pulled his sleeves down to his palms, awaiting his turn in makeup and wardrobe. Luckily, he wore long sleeves in all of today's sketches, so he didn't need to worry about trying to hide, or worse- having to explain himself to wardrobe.

 

He was about to put an earbud in to drown out his nerves when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Pete glanced up to see Colin smiling at him, and butterflies began fluttering around in his belly.

 

"Hey Pete," Colin said, taking a seat next to him. "Sorry about yesterday. I didn't mean to just bolt like that."

 

"Don't worry about it," Pete nodded. "You feeling any better?"

 

"Huh?"

 

"Weren't you sick?" Pete raised an eyebrow suspiciously.

 

 _Right. I told Pete I wasn't feeling well_ , Colin remembered.

 

He smiled at Pete again. "I'm fine today. It was probably just a stomach bug."

 

"Probably." Pete's gaze went back to his feet, and the awkward silence floated back into the space between them.

 

Colin was about to speak up when Michael Che approached him.

 

"Hey man, you ready for Update?" he asked lightly.

 

Colin stood up, looking back at Pete in anxiety. He wanted to stay with him; he needed to make sure he was okay. But Pete could use some space, too. Colin looked back up at Michael.

 

"Yeah, I'm ready." He forced a smile.

 

Michael glanced over to Pete to find him pulling up his hood and shuffling away. As much as he wanted to ask, he knew it wasn't his place to interfere.

 

Neither Michael nor Colin was ready for what would happen tonight.

 

* * *

 

Weekend Update was horrendous.

 

Colin stumbled through all of his jokes, and though the cue cards were right in front of him, he missed lines.

 

More than once, Michael would have to cut in and try to salvage the bit, but the audience was quiet and anyone watching could sense something was very, very wrong.

 

Colin could not stop worrying about Pete. It was stuck in his mind, but he dreaded the confrontation.

 

He tried to psych himself out of talking to Pete at all. Maybe he could just pretend he never saw anything, spare the poor kid some embarrassment.

 

 _No, damn it. I can't just let him tear himself to pieces,_ Colin thought. _Besides, I know. I couldn't forget that if I tried._

 

The more Colin thought about it, the more his heart broke. He could hardly bear the idea of Pete hurting himself, let alone the concept of allowing him to continue and not trying to stop him.

 

Colin just needed a way to do this quietly. Nobody needed to know about this, and Pete would probably prefer it that way.

 

During the goodnights, Colin stayed close to Pete. He kept a protective eye on him, making sure he was all right. He was so tempted to hold Pete’s hand, but knew better.

 

The second the camera went off, however, Colin pulled Pete offstage and began leading him to his dressing room.

 

“Hey, Colin!” Pete tried to tug his hand out of his coworker’s grasp, but Colin had an iron grip. “You wanna tell me where we’re going?”

 

Colin ignored the question and lightly pushed him through the door. He followed and locked it behind him, flicking on the dressing room lights.

 

Colin took a deep breath, trying desperately to gain composure. He needed to be calm and convincing.

 

“Pete,” he began, a worrisome look on his face. “I need you to tell me what’s going on.”


	4. It Was My Cat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pete finally opens up.

“I need you to tell me what’s going on,” Colin repeated, his voice faltering slightly.

 

Confusion swept Pete's face as he heard the words leave Colin’s mouth. He was completely clueless.

 

“There’s nothing wrong,” Pete quickly denied, trying to calm Colin. “Can I go now?”

 

He tried to walk out, but Colin placed a firm hand on his chest.

 

“Please.” Colin’s blue eyes were drowning in concern. He put his hand down and began to sway back and forth in anxiety. “Don’t lie to me, Pete. I’m scared for your… well being.”

 

Pete’s eyes widened, and he crossed his arms defensively. “My ‘well being?'” he questioned, still not getting it. “What the hell are you talking about?”

 

Colin was floored. He figured Pete would’ve instantly known what he meant, but the 21 year-old still hadn’t put the pieces of the puzzle together.

 

Colin realized if he wanted Pete to talk, he’d have to be direct about it. He wanted to avoid that method completely, but he had no other options.

 

 _Oh well_ , Colin thought, looking at his shoes. _Here goes nothing._

 

He looked back up at Pete with fear in his eyes.

 

“I... saw your wrist.”

 

It hit Pete like a wrecking ball, and his knees gave out. He dropped to the ground and held his head in his hands.

 

He felt exposed, as if Colin was looking at him naked. Colin had seen the scars, and he knew about the cutting. Pete had tried to put up this strong demeanor, a wall between himself and the world, but he failed. Colin probably pitied him now.

 

Tears welled up in his eyes and a lump rose in his throat, but his hands didn't move from his face.

 

 _Don’t cry Pete_ , he chided himself weakly. _Just deny it._

 

“It was my cat…” Pete lied, his voice cracking. He couldn’t even look Colin in the eye. “It’s nothing, don’t- just forget about it.”

 

Colin crouched down next to Pete, placing a supportive hand on his back. “Pete, please…”

 

He began to tear up and ran a shaky hand through his hair.

 

“C-Can I see your wrists? Nobody needs to know about this, it can stay between you and me… I just want to help you.” A tear ran down his cheek.

 

Pete shook his head at Colin’s concern, and silently lifted his sleeves up. Scars and cuts spanned across his forearms, varying in size and state of healing. “I’m sorry… I just can’t handle it.”

 

“‘It?'” Colin asked. He reached out to touch Pete's arm, but stopped himself, looking up at Pete for approval.

 

Pete nodded, feeling warm with Colin’s gentle touch. The butterflies in his stomach danced wildly, and the knowledge of Colin's concern eased his anxiety.

 

“SNL…” Pete explained, looking away. “I’ll never be as good as everyone else. I'm not an improv comic. Bobby, Beck, Kenan, you… You all _fit_ here. There's all this pressure on me because I'm so young and so new, all these magazines and interviews and people blowing me up to be something I'm not. I’m just a fucking amateur. I’ll always be terrible at my job.”

 

Colin looked into Pete's eyes. “That’s not true! You’re a great comedian, you're hilarious, why do you think I like you so much?” Colin sighed and scooted closer to Pete. “I’m going to help you stop, alright?” He smiled sadly, and Pete blushed.

 

“You really mean that?” Pete choked out.

 

“Yeah.”

 

Feeling that familiar warmth in his abdomen, Colin leaned in and pressed their lips together, snaking his arms around Pete's waist and pulling himself closer to him.

 

Pete’s heart was pounding in his chest as he closed his eyes and kissed back.

For the first time in what felt like forever, he could hear his heart singing in his ears and could feel sunshine spreading through his whole body. Pete felt truly happy.

 

Finally, Colin broke the kiss, resting his forehead against Pete's and looking into his eyes. Colin's lips curled up into his million-dollar smile, and Pete smiled back twice as wide.

 

In that moment, what Colin said made Pete feel like he’d never been broken at all.

 

“I’ll do whatever it takes.”


	5. HUGE ANNOUNCEMENT!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some major SNL series are coming your way. Read below for more info.

Hey guys. I just wanted to announce that, coming soon, I will be starting a brand new series. The working title is  _Life is Strange._ It will include my OC, Max, and will involve Beck and Kyle adopting. 

 

The next stories will be AUs of LiS. They will be following the events of _Beyond: Two Souls_ and _Until Dawn._

**The B:TS AU will focus on Max having an entity with her since she was born. The Until Dawn AU will include the whole cast (and past members), and Max in a horror/whodunnit as a psycho killer lurks the 30 Rock building.**

 

I just wanted to make make an announcement. Dates for these series will be released soon. 


End file.
